My 20’s came and left as fast as that guy from Tinder whose name I still can’t remember. I thought I would have it all figured out by now, but there’s still so much I don’t understand, like what does having “steez” mean and is it a good or a bad thing? Whatever, all I know is that I am getting older and it’s scary as hell.
Turning 30 as a trans woman comes with a lot of rational fears about the future. Will my body age like a males? Will my hair growth all these years be for nothing if something ends up making me lose hair again? Will my breasts ever get bigger or am I stuck with these A, sometimes B on a good day, cups? Will trans people younger than me have it easier than I did, or is history going to repeat itself? I don’t have the answers to any of these questions and that terrifies me. It is scary to think that the progress that has been made could eventually fade away.
Something that is not often talked about regarding aging and trans people is the regret and sadness from those who start their transition a little bit later in life. I began my transition at 22, only 8 years ago now. I have only been living as Kristina for 8 years. It’s only been 8 years and already I’m 30. It feels like I’m the reverse Benjamin Button. There are many parts of my life before 22 that felt hazy and dreamlike. When I think back it feels like I often wasn’t there, or I was but I was distant and constantly distracted. I didn’t get to experience what most people my age did when I was younger. I didn’t have a high school boyfriend that I was madly in love with, I didn’t go to my senior prom or have senior photos taken, I didn’t apply for colleges or try harder because I didn’t want my successes to be attributed to my former self. Every day just felt the same and there was no breath of life in my life.
I have felt more alive in these past 8 years than I ever did in those 22, but I still can’t help but feel remorse for a lot of that time that felt wasted. My mid and late 20’s were used to experience much of what I missed. From experiencing sex for the first time with someone I loved. to going back to school, to making lasting friends and finally finding an outlet for my creativity. I am thankful that I was able to begin this journey when I did, as I know there are plenty of trans people who don’t have the opportunity to until much later.
As I was making memories and experiencing these things for the first time, I was also missing out on establishing closer connections with those who were already in my life. My step-father passed away New Years Day last year and I often think how I would have liked to talk more with him as Kristina. He had been in my life for over 15 years and it saddens me that we didn’t get to establish a father/daughter bond. Aging while being trans is complicated. Even though I am getting to live essentially what is a new life, everyone else around me is still also getting older and it’s difficult for me to grasp. I don’t feel 30, I still feel like I am in my early 20’s and part of me expects everyone I love to be put on pause.
Trans people often have to navigate this world without any help, before we know it we’re thrown in and we can’t get those previous years back. It’s funny, when I was younger I felt older and now that I’m older I feel younger. The only part of my transition that I regret is not identifying and understanding it sooner, so I could have started living my life earlier. It makes me furious that younger trans people are facing legislation against them that would prevent that from happening. It could avoid so much heartache.
Now that I’m 30 I also have been thinking about how I would navigate the dating scene if my partner and I were to ever separate. Dating is already impossibly difficult and throwing in being 30 and trans to the mix is just a recipe for loneliness. I’ve only ever been in three relationships in my life so the chances of another one feels pretty slim. What will make it even harder is the current conversations regarding trans people from far-right extremists. How we can expect to find love when people are calling us degenerate?
When I was younger I was much heavier than I am today. A lot of my distress was taken out on food. Over time I got to a point of being almost 300 lbs. I knew I needed to make changes and thankfully hormones helped greatly with losing weight. I fear that weight may come back and I fear that I will resort back to how I looked pre-transition with that extra weight. I place restrictions on myself today because it’s always felt like dieting and exercising has been so much more difficult being trans. I’ve always felt like I have had to try harder than all the other women around me. I feel like now that I have reached 30 I’ll have to try even harder and I’m tired.
Getting older frightens me but I know I am in a better place now than I ever have been. I don’t want this post to come off as a worry about the future or aging, these are just some of the thoughts I have about it and I wanted to share. As I mentioned before this is something that is not often talked about when we see trans stories. These are genuine concerns of our reality and I think it’s important they be highlighted. Whatever may come I will take it in stride. Here’s to another 30 and more.
Thanks for this! Reading what you wrote really resonates with me as an older trans woman.
At times I look back wishing I could have made this change much earlier in my life, but at the end of the day I am so happy to be where I am now!
I had to read it twice, it was that good.
It definitely made me think about things differently, because I do not have the opportunity to view anything, from your perspective. You certainly helped me with that, point of view, and I am greatly thankful for getting to bits of the world, through your eyes and mind.