My Dating Life/Advice
“Dating is hard for everyone”. Cis people tend to say this as if it will make trans people feel better about dating. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t. Dating is far more difficult for transgender people. I can’t tell you how many times I have had people not want to date me because I identify as trans. With dating almost entirely done at the tips of our fingers nowadays, it has become a bit easier for trans women to navigate the dating world without as much conflict.
Do not be fooled by the accessibility of these dating apps, as most of them still do not have the option to identify as Trans and the people who are on the apps are not always going to be accepting. Dating has been an experience for me since coming out and living authentically. I wanted to share a bit about my experiences in the hopes that whoever is reading this doesn’t make the same mistakes I did, and to also give a little insight into my life.
Don’t Take It Personally
When I first accepted my identity as a trans woman, I had no idea where to look for men that were interested in women like myself. Though I learned of my identity in high school, I did not start my transition until I was 22. Before beginning my transition however, I attempted dating when I was 19, shortly after graduating high school and moving in with my father and his girlfriend. Though I identified as trans, everything about myself physically was still male. This made meeting people tricky, as most people I met before my transition were either gay or questioning men.
A handful of these men were met primarily using personal ads such as Craigslist (I can already see the look on your faces, I am not happy about it either). Personal ads were the easiest and most effective way to meet people at the time, as Tinder and these other dating apps were still new (well except maybe for Grindr but we will discuss that deep pit of hell later). Because I was pre-hormones at the time, I would look for people under the option of M4M (meaning male for male) in their personals. Most of the time I would not respond to other people’s ads, I would create my own, that way I was able to describe a little bit about myself and let others know that I was trans, despite not starting hormones yet.
Looking back now it is quite sad to think I lost my virginity from Craigslist, but I suppose if it had to be Craigslist or Grindr I would take the former. The very first person I met using Craigslist was also someone who, at the time, frequented the gym I went to. I cannot remember his name (this would seem to become a habit of mine in the future with most people I slept with) so let’s just call him Guy.
I posted an ad seeking a gym partner, which honestly was what I initially wanted to gain from posting the ad. I figured if I was going to try to meet someone, it should be in the most tame and boring way possible. Guy responded to my post, and we exchanged numbers. After some flirtatious banter we decided to meet, sans gym. We met in a dimly lit Wal-Mart parking lot that was not far from where I was living with my father. No, I did not lose my virginity in a Wal-Mart parking lot, thank God. Also, do not meet randos anywhere where the lights tend to get dim; Especially a Wal-Mart parking lot, and especially if it is someone from a personal ad or a dating app.
From the parking lot we decided to drive back to his place, a single bedroom apartment about ten minutes away. For whatever reason we decided to watch something on the sports channel, baseball perhaps. Seeing as how I knew nothing about sports or dating, Guy and I skipped over the other bases and went straight for a home run. The next few days after that I was left with many terrifying thoughts regarding the evening. Even though Guy and I were safe, my body was not really prepared for what happened. Afterwards, all I really remember is that for several days I noticed blood anytime I went to the bathroom. Experiencing that for the first time caused me to panic, and thoughts raced through my head; maybe Guy had given me something. I called work and told them that I would not be able to make it in for a couple days. After a doctor’s visit it was confirmed that the blood I was noticing was due to a tear. This can occur when little to no lube is used during sex. I thought I was dying and that is not how you want to spend the aftermath of your first time with someone. Despite that night and the fear I had after, sex eventually became much easier due to taking the right precautions, i.e. lots and lots of lube.
Guy was just one of the many people I met using Craigslist. He was surprisingly one of the more normal people I met through the site. Later on, I would go to meet some real weirdos, but fortunately none of them happened to be the Craigslist Killer so I dodged a bullet there. I am so glad to know that personal ads on Craigslist are a thing of the past, as they were eventually taken off the site back in 2018. Despite Craigslist removing them, personal ads still exist on other sites. Having had these experiences with people I met through Craigslist, I know now that the situations I found myself in could have gone way much worse than they did. And this could be said for any experience that involves meeting someone for the first time via the internet, dating app etc. Though it may be convenient in the moment, it can also be quite dangerous.
Dating Apps: Where Do I Fit In?
After navigating the cesspool that was Craigslist, I discovered dating apps once I began my transition around the age of 22. The first app that caught my interest was Grindr. I knew of the app because of a co-worker and friend that I had while working at one of my previous jobs. He was a bit older than me and was gay. He frequented the app quite often, especially during the short period of time that we lived together. We butted heads a few times because he would often ask me, “Well how are these guys straight if they’re attracted to you?” I wondered if this was a common question that gay men proposed to trans women. I simply told him, “They’re attracted to me because I am a woman, I appear and identify as such.”
Grindr was filled with men with various sexual preferences and was not just an app for gay men which I quickly found out. Unlike Tinder at the time, Grindr had the option to choose your “tribe”, which is where you would select a category of what you fit most into. One of these tribes is titled “trans”, however Grindr did not implement gender options on its app until 2017. The “tribes” section simply made it easier for people to find me on the app, people who were primarily interested in trans women. So, for a trans woman back in 201, this was a major step in the right direction, despite not being able to specify a gender. Grindr had its ups and downs regarding the transgender community and I have unfortunately had the experience of coming across those in the LGBT community who often forget the T.
“This is our app” are the types of messages I would occasionally get from the gay community on Grindr. “I’ll help you find a man, just stop using this app”. I often thought to myself “What are these gay men so afraid of by having trans women use an app that is designed for the LGBT Community?” They act in a way that almost comes off as jealous, perhaps thinking that I will somehow magically turn all of them bisexual, and or questioning men on the app straight. Granted I don’t blame them, Grindr is one of the apps where I get the most messages from men, and this is because the app is not strictly for the gay, cisgender male. Know that there is still much to be learned within the LGBT community, but do not allow those within the community to ever put you down. We have as much right to be a part of these LGBT apps, and if you find yourself being harassed within the community, hold people accountable. By this I mean; educate, report, block, whatever you must do to get the point across that you will not take their discrimination and intolerance.
Despite Grindr being a little bit more open with its “tribes” section, most of the men on the app are trash. And I am not talking about the upset gay men that tried to shoo me off; but the bisexual, straight, and questioning men as well. The apps turns into just as much of a cesspool as Craigslist very quickly, as the majority of men are just looking to fuck. And with Grindr’s photos feature, it is easy to become overloaded with more dick and ass pictures than one would like to see in their lifetime.
I turned my sights onto the next dating app that seemed to be creating quite a spark, Tinder. Unlike Grindr, Tinder did not have a “tribes” section where you could identify yourself as trans. However, for Tinder, gender options did become accessible on the app earlier than Grindr, this feature was implemented in 2016 for Tinder. This goes back to what I was saying earlier regarding the LGBT community often forgetting the T, or anyone really who did not identify as a cisgender, gay man. A prominently heterosexual and heteronormative dating app implemented these gender options earlier than an LGBT app, let that sink in. Now despite these gender options becoming more available earlier on via Tinder, Tinder has also had its fair share of issues when it came down to accepting its trans users.
When I first started using the app, I would disclose my gender identity in the “Bio” section, which is where you can write a short paragraph about yourself and possibly what you’re looking to get out of the app. Though a few people would message without reading my bio prior, I also received quite a few suitors who were interested even upon noticing that I was trans. Now about 95% of those people who messaged me knowing that I was trans, were primarily looking for hookups. For whatever reason I thought getting off Grindr would reduce these types of messages, the only thing it reduced was the dick and ass pics.
Don’t get me wrong, Tinder is not all bad, as I have met some genuine and kind-hearted people from the app. One of these people I developed my first relationship with. The one major critique I have of the app does not come from the users, but the developers. Because some of the users were often unaware that I was transgender (because they didn’t read my bio with the large, bold print “TRANS”) they would often unmatch me after already matching with me prior. They would see my face before reading my bio and they would match with me, however upon matching and going back to glance at more photos they would then decide to read what I was all about. Upon unmatching people on the app, you have the choice of reporting someone. You can report someone due to harassment, spam, inappropriate messages, etc. Eventually when enough people report you, Tinder then takes action and bans your account without any real review other than what users are reporting. Considering I never sent anyone inappropriate messages, harassed anyone, and clearly, I am a real person and am not a bot, the only other reason that is clear to me as to why people reported my profile is because of my gender identity. Once I was banned, I contacted Tinder via email on numerous occasions letting them know that I believe this is the reason for me being banned, which they eventually corrected the issue and unbanned me. Since that first occurrence however I have been banned from the app multiple times after, all of which eventually have been corrected.
Dating apps are not designed with trans people in mind. This is very clear from both my experiences with Grindr and Tinder. Now keep in mind, this is coming from someone who identifies primarily as straight, so it may very well be possible that those who identify as trans and gay are having better experiences. Regarding gender options however there are still so few dating apps that are designed for the trans experience. The question remains, “Where do we fit in?” Regardless of which dating app we use; we are often ostracized.
Spilling The “T”
For many trans women, disclosure is a part of the dating process. Disclosure meaning that our trans identity is revealed to potential partners. As described above, with so many dating apps not having gender options, we are left to disclose our T status in either our bios or when speaking to potential dates. This can lead to some unpleasant conversations with folks, but I am so glad that I have had the chance to engage in them because it has truly shown me that tolerance is not the same as acceptance.
While some transgender people choose to live their lives “stealth”, meaning that they do not disclose their T status, I take pride in disclosing who I am. This has not come without drawbacks and consequences, however. As mentioned before in regard to dating apps, I have been reported and banned for disclosing to people that I am trans. Disclosing our gender identity has become much larger than just being banned from an app. Disclosure protects us.
Having the ability to speak with someone via an app has made dating and meeting people much safer for trans individuals. We can disclose our identity prior to ever meeting someone that we may have an interest in, and we can meet them at our own pace, preferably somewhere in public and in broad daylight. Without disclosing our identities, we have no idea how the other person will react. At least if a person reports us, we still have our lives and quickly we realize that that person is obviously not someone we would have wanted to get to know. Disclosure is important and necessary. I do not completely disagree with those who choose to live their lives “stealth”, but I would just err on the side of caution as by living stealth your life could potentially be in more danger.
I have only met with two people in my life who I did not disclose my gender identity to before meeting. The first was someone that I met off Tinder. We talked for a bit, exchanged photos, and eventually I decided to invite him over to mine. Once he arrived at my place we sat and talked a bit, I started a fire, and then he received a “phone call”. Now I only put that in quotes because I did not believe he received a call as I never heard his phone ring or vibrate. He went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, leaving me to tend to the fire while I waited. When he came out, he told me that there was an emergency at his apartment, something to do with his roommates. He left shortly after he arrived, and we barely texted after that. Maybe he just wasn’t feeling the vibe, or maybe he had clocked me. I never found out as I never really questioned him about it, I simply let it go. This could have gone much worse. Say he did notice somehow that I was trans, I had this man in my apartment alone without telling him beforehand and without letting anyone know that he was there. If he at any point felt his masculinity was in danger I could have been hurt. Should we have an obligation to tell people we’re trans? Absolutely not. Does it make me feel safer when I do so? Absolutely.
The second person I met without disclosing my identity to became a really good friend for the year that I knew him. We met for coffee after exchanging a few messages on Tinder. We discussed our current relationships we were both in, family, what we were looking for from the app, etc. It was surprisingly a very pleasant experience. I will admit it felt nice knowing that I was getting to know someone for the first time without them knowing anything about my gender identity. I did not have to go through the barrage of questions or comments about it. It was just two people having coffee. I did decide after that meeting however to open up and disclose it to him. He took it extremely well and after that we established a friendship. People like him, from my experience, are rare.
DL Men
In case you are wondering what DL stands for, it stands for “down low”. Down low men are the ones who want to engage in sexual activities with trans women behind closed doors. Most of the time they’re questioning their sexuality. And this is generally straight, cisgender men that I am referring to. Straight, cisgender men who are attracted to trans women are straight.
This kind of goes back to what I mentioned about my gay roommate asking me how they can be straight if they’re attracted to me. The men who do have these attractions toward trans women question themselves because other people, like my ex-roommate, question them as well. Because their attractions are questioned by society, they seek it out in ways that are not public. This can be very dangerous for trans women.
Do not engage with down low men. When we allow these types of men to use us only for their sexual pleasure it only continues the cycle of that is who we are and that is all we are worth. It also continues the violence that is taken out on trans women. When someone, especially a cisgender, straight identifying man’s sexuality comes into question by others they get defensive. They’re often taught it at a young age that being gay or anything other than the heteronormative is bad. If it were to come out that these men sleep with trans women, it can cause them to lash out. Most of the time that anger, that embarrassment, that questioning of who they are is taken out on the women they’re secretly attracted to. It took me a long time to realize my self-worth and to no longer let these types of men into my bed and behind a closed door.