Monica is a film that tackles themes of abandonment, grief, and acceptance from the perspective of a post-transition trans woman. Upon returning home to take care of her mother who’s dying of brain cancer, Monica is placed in a position that requires her to ignore her trauma of being kicked out on the streets in order to reconnect with her family. Not many films focus on trans people after they’ve already spent years transitioning, and even few focus on aspects of trans people’s lives that deal with the longing for certain experiences that are more difficult for us. A longing to relive our childhood as our true selves or to perhaps one day become a parent are interwoven into the film’s narrative while maintaining focus on the crux of the film, family.
As I watched the opening sequence of Monica, New Order’s “Bizarre Love Triangle” playing while Monica lays in the tanning bed, I couldn’t help but notice the similarities to Euphoria’s Jule’s-centric episode of “Fuck Anyone Who’s Not A Sea Blob”. Both sequences focus on up-close shots of of trans women while paying songs that relate to their experiences. You don’t necessarily know the reason a song is played until you’ve seen the rest of the film or episode, but watching this opening scene as a trans woman it was so clear what it was trying to say. Monica can’t leave her old life behind because she ends up having to face her past (visiting her family who she hasn’t seen in years), and she’s waiting for that final moment her mother will recognize her because she doesn’t have it in her to tell her who she is.
When Monica gets a call from her sister-in-law saying that her mother, Eugenia, isn’t doing well and she should come see her, Monica is hesitant and rightly so. Monica explains later in the film that when she came out, her mother said “I can no longer be your mother” before dropping her off at a bus station. This is a reality for many LGBTQ people, and it is because of this that a lot of trans women turn to sex work. We see Monica giving an intimate massage to a man in her home early in the film, while he moans she appears checked out. Later we see her performing a webcam show. Both these scenes indicating what Monica has had to do to survive.
When Monica first arrives at home she meets with her sister-in-law and her children. Monica is briefly asked if she’s ever thought about being a mom and adopting, which she hesitantly replies “sometimes”. In many scenes throughout the film we see Monica holding her sister-in-law’s newborn, highlighting that Monica perhaps thinks about motherhood from time to time, and what that means to her. I can’t think of another time in film or television where I have seen a trans woman holding a baby and showing motherly affection toward it. The only film that comes to mind is Together Together starring Patti Harrison, who is trans, but is playing a cis woman in the film. These intimate scenes with Monica being around children and showing motherly affection toward them were so important and powerful, considering what is currently being said about LGTBQ and trans people.
Throughout the film Monica is seen reaching out to an ex-boyfriend, Jimmy. Monica tries reconnecting with him especially in times of distress. She calls him when Eugenia at first doesn’t recognize her, and again when she’s stood up on a date. Both times he doesn’t answer which allows Monica to reflect on what that relationship meant. Dating as a heterosexual trans woman is extremely difficult, and when we do find someone who accepts us it takes us a long time to let that relationship go even when we know we should. We fear we may not find love again because putting ourselves out there can be damaging for us mentally. After Monica settles in at her childhood home, she decides to go out on a date only to be stood up. Monica calls her date and let’s out her frustration. “I’m not your experiment!” she exclaims, and is upset with him that he asked intrusive questions about her body prior. Trans women, myself included, have been asked whether we still have “male parts”, if we’re “fully functional”, or if we’ve had any other surgeries. These questions are not only inappropriate but they also feel dehumanizing, as other parts of our lives don’t seem to matter.
While navigating her childhood home and taking care of Eugenia, Monica is shown opening up and playing with her niece and nephew. She plays tag with them in the woods, goes for a swim, and develops a close bond with her nephew Brodie, who her brother says reminds him of Monica. Monica is able to get to experience parts of her childhood again but this time as the woman she’s always been. When it comes to her nephew Brodie, she is able to see herself in him. A young, androgenous kid who likes to sing and is more attached to their mother. In a striking scene during this section we see Brodie and his sister upstairs hiding in one of the bedrooms. Brodie is pretending to give birth to a baby doll, and even though some may find the kid’s re-enactment to be funny and absurd, I couldn’t help but see myself in him. When I was a kid I used to pretend I was pregnant and act like I was giving birth when my stomach hurt. I have no clue why I did that, but seeing it connected with a story of trans identity, maybe that was just another thing I did to make me feel more connected to being a woman.
The highlights of the film come from Monica and Eugenia’s interactions with one another. Despite being thrown out at a young age, Monica puts aside Eugenia’s past faults to help her in her time of need. One scene in particular that I couldn’t help but hold back tears is when Monica hears Eugenia yelling “I want my mom” in distress. She’s on the floor having an episode and crying while Monica holds her and tells her everything will be okay. It’s a beautiful scene that shows Monica’s compassion and forgiveness. Monica wasn’t able to have Eugenia when she needed her, but she’s able to overcome that sense of grief to help her mother feel better.
While I was watching this film with my own mom, she kept wondering when the ball would drop and Monica would tell her mother who she is. This made me realize that people have been conditioned to associate a “coming out” with drama. Finding out someone is trans or gay as a reveal that creates an argument or a falling out. This never happens in Monica, and instead the film shows subtly that Eugenia knows who Monica is by the end of it. After being stood up on the date from earlier, Monica comes home and lays next to Eugenia in bed until the morning. We see that Eugenia is awake in the morning and thinking about what exactly this means. When Monica decides to leave the next morning, we get a sense that Eugenia doesn’t understand why she’s leaving and seems upset. Eventually Monica decides to come back as she knows her mother needs help. It isn’t until a scene where Monica is helping bathe Eugenia where there is finally a recognition of who Monica is. Eugenia places her hands on Monica’s face, pulls her close, and kisses her on the forehead. Lastly when the family gets together on Mother’s Day, they all gather for a family photo while Eugenia places her hand atop Monica’s.
This film resonated deeply with me as I lost my step-father to brain cancer last year. As I wrote in my previous article, toward the end it was difficult to tell if he knew who anyone was. This film brings up the question of “What if my parent will only remember who I was before?” After all I have only spent 8 years of my life transitioning, so if my own mother were to perhaps get dementia it would be heartbreaking for her to not even remember that I transitioned. This film displays the humanity of trans people’s existence, and I am so thankful for it.
In the final scene of the film, Monica’s nephew Brodie sings “The Star-Spangled Banner” at school. While the camera focuses on Monica, and Brodie sings the final words “O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave”, I remembered how terrifying it is to be trans right now. Trans people are being the targets of legislation that seek to make our lives impossible to live freely. In spite of this, we hold our heads up high in the hopes that people will one day see us as people. People who have had to deal with losing our families for being ourselves, people who have had to fight for our survival, people who want loving relationships, and people who just want to live our lives in peace.
I am anxious to see this after reading your review.