I have often felt uncomfortable with “passing”, the concept in which trans women are compared to cis women based on how well we’re able to blend in. What it means to pass is instantly problematic because it makes an assumption of what it means to act and look like a cis woman despite there being no universal way to behave. I didn’t fully understand the problem with passing until recently, however the discomfort and dislike for it came about when I met with a feminization coach in 2015.
New York City, 2015
I had the opportunity to work with Monica Prata, a feminization coach based out of New York City that helps trans women with their transition. She runs a company called Nouveau She, and her work was going to be the focus of a television show that never aired. I was interviewed to be a part of the pitch and upon being selected I was given transportation to New York to begin filming.
The first night in New York consisted of meeting with Monica at a restaurant where we would go on to discuss mannerisms. One of the key takeaways from dinner was being told that to appear more feminine, women should not place their backs up against chairs or barstools while dining. Instead, women should sit straight up. Perhaps this was just to help with posture and unrelated to femininity, but I couldn’t help but think it was a little odd. I felt that this would be something I had to “master” for others to see me as a woman.
In addition to learning how to sit we also went over table manners. No this wasn’t finishing school, but I couldn’t help but feel a similarity. These were social graces that I had no real problem with beforehand, so I wasn’t sure why this was part of the process, but I went with it. What was even more odd to me was that cameras weren’t even rolling at this tine, it was just a meet and greet with Monica before filming the next day.
The next day I received a message from the producer asking that when I arrived at the shoot he wanted me to be dressed more boyish, so that when we did makeup, hair and clothing, everything was completely transformed. These weren’t his exact words, but I remember feeling concerned because it meant not wearing my wig and dressing more like my former self which made me a bit dysphoric. I understood the reasoning behind it but couldn’t help but feel my feelings weren’t being thought about.
They had me re-shave so that there wouldn’t be any stubble whatsoever on my face, so that when they applied makeup it would look smoother, and they took my wig to freshen it up and style it. I sat with Monica and she went away beating at my face while asking some questions about my then relationship and transition. Once makeup was complete we went shopping for some clothes and Monica did a short interview while I waited on the side. Some questions that were specific about the transgender experience were being asked to her rather than getting any input from me, the only trans woman in the room.
I left New York the next afternoon after grabbing some photos and lunch with Monica, and at the time I was happy with this experience because it felt like the first time that my trans identity was being recognized as something that could help others. Looking back though I realize how much it helped shape my feelings on passing today and why it is no longer something I aim for.
I haven’t spoken much with Monica since that experience, but judging from her website it seems as if she has shifted from feminization coach to gender expression specialist. It also seems she may have updated the type of work she does with trans people, as her website states “Our objective is not to create a caricature of gender, but to illuminate who you truly are.” Monica is a lovely person and I don’t feel any ill feelings toward her, but I think the experience could have been better and that I was included more in the decision making process of how they wanted to portray me and my identity. Perhaps, like me, she has come to understand that hyper-femineity isn’t the only way to be.
My Conversation with a Trans Youtuber
Over the years since this experience I have shifted more and more away from hyper-femineity. I cannot say whether this is simply because I am older and I care less about what others think of me or how people see me, or if my gender is everchanging and has reached a point where being hyper feminine simply no longer appeals to me. Either way, passing simply has become less part of my process and I find that trying to fit people into a box can be harmful.
I recently had a conversation with a YouTuber named Rose Mulet, and during our conversation she stated multiple times that I pass really well. Rose also identifies as a trans woman and I couldn’t help but feel she should have some understanding of why telling people that they pass is not necessarily a term of endearment. I felt the same way I did when I have had people tell me “You’re beautiful for a trans woman.” It comes across as a back handed compliment, because passing as a cisgender person isn’t something I am trying to do.
Rose on the other hand sees passing as a priority, and it was difficult for her to understand that I have gotten to a place where I don’t think about passing daily, and that it no longer is a concern of mine if someone knows I am trans or thinks I am cis. It often feels as if people will put being cis on a pedestal, that being cis is the goal and that finding happiness as anything else isn’t possible. Rose feels this way, her goal is being cis when that goal isn’t obtainable, and she isn’t able to process how people can just be comfortable and happy with themselves and the obstacles they have overcome.
She also didn’t understand how I, over time, had become more comfortable with a certain part of my body that most trans women generally feel super dysphoric about. She even went as far as to question my trans-ness because I have stopped caring as much about what’s in my pants and instead have focused on being comfortable in the skin that I am in, and one way I have become more comfortable with my body is by showing it off. This dumbfounded her and made me realize that despite both of us having been transitioning for the same length of time, we don’t share any similarities in how we view this journey.
Rose isn’t the only person to tell me how well I pass over the years. This “compliment” comes from all types of people in my life; family, friends, coworkers, etc. It just seems as if they’re unaware that passing isn’t every trans person’s goal. Especially a trans person who has been transitioning for as long as I have and longer.
Passing Privilege and Safety
Wanting to pass isn’t always a bad thing though, as people early in their transition often feel the need to pass due to safety concerns and so that others will respect how they want to be treated. One of the first pieces of advice I was given from my therapist was to practice with makeup to see how people’s interactions with me would change. If I wanted to be seen as a woman then I needed to make small changes in my daily life, and early in my transition this helped immensely. When it came to integrating into society as a woman and using women spaces like the restroom etc. I also had to “pass” to avoid confrontation and potential harm.
I realize that passing is a privilege. Out of the eight years I have been transitioning I have only experienced one negative experience with using the women’s restroom. It was in 2017 when I was working in a factory. Apparently, some of my coworkers (most of them older women) took issue with me and brought it up to the safety manager. I was never confronted about it nor was I ever brought in to discuss it with the safety manager. So instead, I confronted her. I told her I didn’t appreciate her keeping something like this from me, and if people had a problem with me and it wasn’t brought to my attention then that put me at risk. This was also the first time that I realized that despite me passing, people were still going to have a problem with me (a straight woman who had a male fiancé at the time) but not have a problem with the safety manager (a lesbian) using the same restroom. The logic didn’t make sense to me.
This was also the first time I realized I was in a position that some other trans people are not. Every trans person’s experience differs vastly, and I knew I was in a place where my transition had changed the way I looked drastically, but this isn’t the case for everyone. This situation could have been so much worse and it was my first experience seeing just how catty and ruthless other human beings can be toward one another. This wasn’t because they felt unsafe, they knew who I was. They had been working with me for the past year, they had gotten to know my fiancé and I, they acted friendly toward me to my face but suddenly when I went to the bathroom to fix my makeup or put my hairnet on, they turned on me instantly. I realized that passing wasn’t going to protect me.
Naturally Trans
I started using the hashtag #NaturallyTrans when I started to become more accepting of the body that I am in. With the realization that passing wasn’t going to protect me from others I started to embrace the natural process of my transition. I stopped stressing about whether I have a little bit of stubble in the morning, I stopped putting on makeup every single day, I stopped wearing wigs, and I haven’t looked into any surgeries because right now I know there is more to focus on and be concerned with. I am not concerned about looking cis, I am concerned about cis people accepting trans people as they are without the focal point being transitioning to blend in. Because all trans people like cis people look different, and it is time people start accepting this. If passing is someone’s main goal, I don’t hold that against anyone. My main concern is when people use passing as a means to invalidate other trans people’s experiences. I hope this sheds some light on my issues with passing and that one day we can celebrate all trans people regardless of their transition process and work together to help others understand that we do not have to live our lives solely to make others feel comfortable.
This piece really spoke to me. I've been at those same places.